Today I’m having a crisis of confidence. I feel like I’m in that late stage of labour and I’ve changed my mind – I actually don’t want to have this child thank you very much and could someone please call a taxi to take me home!
I’m sure my crisis of confidence is exacerbated by the fact that I haven’t been sleeping well, but at 2 am I was filing through every possible worst case scenario. We’ve had such an easy, lovely, familiar start to our journey that has just felt like being on school holidays. Lots of time with beautiful friends and family (and our beloved dog!) to ease us on our way. I think my moment of fear today stems from – surprise surprise – my daughters.
This trip is something that Matt and I decided would be wonderful. It would be truly educational for the girls and a binding family experience. They didn’t get a say. The haven’t had a choice, and although I acknowledge that it’s too big for them to really understand, the fact is that we have taken them away from what they know and love, to be in places that are unfamiliar and generally very different from anything they have known. Intellectually of course I know that these experiences will build resilience and probably have a positive impact overall. Today though, the responsibility weighs heavily.
“Where are we going to sleep tomorrow night Mum?” Does she feel lost and unsettled already, not knowing where she will next lay her head? “Can we stay at our cousin’s house for ages?” Does she just want to be with familiar people and toys because she doesn’t want to go somewhere new again? I could drive myself mad!
I look out the window at the three of them playing very contentedly with sticks and fern fronds and know that they will make their own fun wherever they are. I also know that home is really where we are together and not just the weather boards that kept us dry in Melbourne. The girls will be ok and I actually don’t really want the taxi to come and take me away.
I do feel the weight of responsibility however, but I’m sure it won’t be the last time. Hopefully they will look back and be grateful for the experience.